i am baking vegan cookies at 2:30 in the morning and thinking of you
we used to bake together before we could see above the counter so
every time i bake i find myself aching with a pain i cannot analyze format and reject
i am thinking: i am vegan now like your mother
your mother is so beautiful Eric so so sad-beautiful and so good
and i am doing this on the block we grew up on
and i am picturing your perfect little giver face
i am listening to beautiful music that i would play for you
its kind of a new and popular thing acoustic guitar and classical instruments such as the violin or piano you would like it
i could kill myself for not giving you love all of this love i have now
for not understanding that you could be gone just like that just one latenight phonecall in prague
but he just emailed me, i thought. he just wrote a comment on my stupid online article.
all of this love all of this love oh god there is hardly anyone worth giving it to
but you and youre dead
this joy this almost-always-in-the-moment always-letting-go heaven that you are responsible for so much of
i am so bursting with rawlove and rawpain that i could almost cry like an indigenous person or like some of the arabs or muslims i see in war footage crying over their dead sons their dead babies
meaning in the realest way. the way we are supposed to cry. you know what i mean
for not being able to wrap my arms around you tell you its going to be okay
is this what they call mourning
this shit
this being unable to thank you
unable to say i love you
this fucking lonesomeness
this fucking empty death
FOR SYLVIA who i must learn how to love the right way. because she deserves it. and for Sylvia because her love for you is some of the biggest i've ever seen.
