i am baking vegan cookies at 2:30 in the morning and thinking of you
we used to bake together before we could see above the counter so
every time i bake i find myself aching with a pain i cannot analyze format and reject
i am thinking: i am vegan now like your mother
your mother is so beautiful Eric so so sad-beautiful and so good
and i am doing this on the block we grew up on
and i am picturing your perfect little giver face
i am listening to beautiful music that i would play for you
its kind of a new and popular thing acoustic guitar and classical instruments such as the violin or piano you would like it
i could kill myself for not giving you love all of this love i have now
for not understanding that you could be gone just like that just one latenight phonecall in prague
but he just emailed me, i thought. he just wrote a comment on my stupid online article.
all of this love all of this love oh god there is hardly anyone worth giving it to
but you and youre dead
this joy this almost-always-in-the-moment always-letting-go heaven that you are responsible for so much of
i am so bursting with rawlove and rawpain that i could almost cry like an indigenous person or like some of the arabs or muslims i see in war footage crying over their dead sons their dead babies
meaning in the realest way. the way we are supposed to cry. you know what i mean
for not being able to wrap my arms around you tell you its going to be okay
is this what they call mourning
this shit
this being unable to thank you
unable to say i love you
this fucking lonesomeness
this fucking empty death
FOR SYLVIA who i must learn how to love the right way. because she deserves it. and for Sylvia because her love for you is some of the biggest i've ever seen.
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AMEN!
ReplyDeleteThese are all short clips pieced together in "time" that will end in the blink of an eye, and you or I may not be here tomorrow so we must continue to live for Eric and follow our hearts. Following our hearts is the only way to love; our mind is that which complicates relationships. I can only hope that we will all meet, wind blowing our souls to dance together once again. And if we do not meet again and the lights turn off, his light will remain in me until my death. The memories are nice to have, but his physical presence and energy is what I miss the most. How do I capture that when you no longer exist? I have bursts of happiness thinking about you, unfortunately not as often as the pain and terror, but how do I touch your soul, feel your arms around me without your physical embrace? I lost a huge piece of my heart, but gained a new perspective of existence and am still looking for you. And I still have your portion, Renata, which inflicts strength and emanates love. There is no right way to love. The way you love me challenges, strengthens me when I need it the most, and allows me to see the power in a relationship that is burdened and graced with passion. There is no other love that can match that of my sister. I love you Renata. And as close as I could have come to a brother, thank you Eric for loving us as pure as love can be, and altering my being, existence here. I will always have you on this journey to push me as far as I can, carrying an open heart with me. I love you Eric.
ReplyDeleteSylvia